Self Confidence

Last week, I have attended an international research conference. I present my research as usual. But one thing that it leave a mark in my mind was..... I got a comment from a Professor at Ministry of Higher Education (MOHE). He is complaining about my research methodology and confused about it. But still, he said, I'm the one who very confident to convey the message of my research and present it confidently. I do not blame him since he is from different field and it takes time to understand my study.

I couldn't sleep on that night. What is wrong with my research? Supervisory committee never mention or comment about it. I just cant sleep. There is something in my mind.

I have a very low level of self confidence. Seriously. I never think what is the best part of me. What to mention? Nothing. I'm in love in cooking? No. Baking? No. Brilliant? No. Genius? No.

I believe that I just a normal person. Very plain.

But yesterday, it turned my perspectives differently.

I have attended a conference presentation training. We have a task about to tell the audiences, the interesting part of your friend. People who is sitting beside me keep asking, what is the interesting part of me? I cant answer it. All of sudden, I told her, the interesting part of me is.....I passed my PhD Viva Exam 2 weeks ago at 28 years old, I completed my Masters at 24 years old and my Bachelor at 22 years old. 

I never thought the statement gave an excitement to everyone. I never expect it.

The speaker, Dr. Vijay keep saying. "That's attract me, she completed her PhD at 28 years old and give her a big clap".

Yes, I slept last night with different perspective too.

Do not look down at yourself. Never know until you try it and never ever give up.

p/s: Please, i am not an arrogant person but i am building my self confidence.

Being a mother

How's your life being a mother?

Hari ini selamat 35 hari berpantang you..... tapi BOSAN tak payah cakap. Mak cakap saya culas berpantang. Jalan macam jin. Lepas tu sakit pinggang, panggil mak bidan lagi datang mengurut. Mak bidan cakap, "Mek ni jalan banyak sangat, urat habis tersimpul". Nak habis pantang dah ni, mak cakap saya jalan macam gergasi pula. Saya cakap saya tak suka buat kerja lembap, kena aktif. Tapi sakit urat tu memang ada la...

Perasaan jadi mak? Speechless. Saya tak berjaya menetekss *sedih* sebab inverted nipple. Sila google sendiri. Jadi Adam culas sebab sejak lahir puting bottle dia sedut, padahal makin hari nipple dah mula timbul setelah macam-macam usaha dilakukan, makin sua kat mulut dia, si kenit tu makin melalak. Papa dia tak payah cakap lah beria beli segala bagai mak nenek gadget breastfeeding, membazir duit. Ada satu malam, Adam tidur, Azuar paksa tetek kan dia, mungkin tak perasan mata terpejam, pandai pula dia menyuyut. Papa dia cakap, "Sayang nak tau tak, this is the best moment in my life". Wah.... sebab tengok anak meneteks. Time akak beranak pun dia bisik kat telinga, "Sayang, this is the best moment in my life". Mana entah satu yang the best moment tapi akak tahu, Chelsea menang adalah the best ever in his life.

Mula-mula keluar 2.68kg. Rambut siap pacak-pacak.

Sebulan 4kg you... Hah kasut besar tu..

Hari ke 3 jadi mak, saya tanya Azuar, "Abang stress tak ada anak?". Dia cakap dia happy, hidup dah lengkap cuma penat sikit. Dia tanya saya balik. Tak sempat jawab lagi, akak dah menangis you..."Sayang stress sebab tak cukup tidur". Wow childish nya saya..

Adik saya cakap saya tak ada sifat keibuan. Tiap-tiap malam hantar anak ke nursery *bilik mak*. 2minggu jadi mak, baru pegang bontot anak salin pampers. Nampak tahi Adam, terus uwek uwek. Kakak datang selamatkan keadaan. Saya benci situasi itu. Saya nak jadi emak yang sempurna. Saya rasa kelemahan saya adalah terlalu bergantung dan mengeluh. Ada kekasih hati/tunang/suami yang kalau boleh nak suruh saya duduk atas kerusi sahaja sebab cakap saya dah penat bawa perut 9bulan dan beranak meneran zuriat dia. Ada Azuar memang tak culas bangun malam, sebab bagi laluan bini dia nak kroh kroh. Lagi lah akak rasa tak tau nak buat apa kan. Ada satu malam, saya dengar Adam merengek. Saya cakap kat Azuar, Adam terjaga. Pakcik tu boleh tepuk paha saya banyak kali konon-konon dodoikan, "Adam, tidur ya..". Ok, pakcik dah mamai tersalah orang.

Tidur lah anak oi..Mummy nak ber facebook plak.

Tapi manusia belajar dari pengalaman. Saya rasa walaupun ramai orang keliling Adam dodoikan dia, dia kenal Mummy dia mana satu, walaupun Mummy dia malas macam tahi nak sentuh dia, cuma suruh orang buat sahaja. Ambik kau, bila berpantang rumah mak mertua, mesti tunjuk semua yang terbaik. Mesti semua loving, mesti ada mother bonding. Mesti tukar pampers 2jam sekali, tunjuk cakna bontot anak takut ada rashes. Set masa, buat susu anak. Cium-cium anak setiap masa. Kata-kata manis perangsang sepanjang masa. Tapi masih mak mertua mandikan anak dan teman berjaga malam.

Sebenarnya hari ini adalah hari pertama saya menjaga Adam seorang diri. Akak rasa akak sakit pinggang pula, terbongkok menilik si kenit itu. Saya kena belajar berdikari agar dapat memupuk sifat keibuan secara total. Saya selalu mengelat nak menjaga Adam, saya tahu nak cium dia bila dia sudah wangi sahaja. 2 minggu lagi, saya bakal pulang ke Kuala Lumpur, Azuar cakap dia dah tak keruan tanpa saya disisi. Tesis saya pun dah cakap dia merindui saya. Saya ngelat tak nak bawa Adam lagi sebab mak/mak mertua volunteer nak jaga Adam. Eh, bukan. Adam fragile lagi. Saya risau nak letak pada pengasuh. Azuar kemain nak juga bawa anak dia. Dia cakap susah senang kita bersama, kita jaga anak kita sama-sama, buah cinta kita. Terharu tak? Tapi akak masih berfikir juga ni. Akak cakap, "Biar Sayang gila kuasa ni buat keputusan". Azuar dah tak sabar nak dengar keputusan saya.

Saya cuba memupuk sifat keibuan. Semua orang sayang anak. Mungkin masing-masing ada skill yang terlebih dan terkurang. Saya tersentuh bila menyusu botol anak mata dia tepat pandang saya. Bila rapat ke dada, jari kecil dia merayap atas dada saya. Bila menangis tersedu sedan, sampai ke pangkuan saya, dia diam. Saya tahu dia kenal saya Mummy dia walaupun saya tak breastfeed dia. Dia sempat juga merasa colustrum hasil pam elektrik. Alhamdulillah. Sempat sebulan rasa susu ibu dengan pam elektrik dan sekarang susu dah kering. Jangan tanya lagi, susu badan ke tak sebab saya rasa soalan itu macam soalan orang dah bertahun-tahun kahwin tapi tak ada rezeki lagi.

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah.

After double check ups, it's confirmed.

It's positive.

p/s: Baby, grows safely, Mummy and Papa love u so much.

Geng Rumah Banglo, u'll be aunt and I have my very own first miracle.

Malas sungguh hari ini

Semalam memang kecewa, sebab tak pergi pun Primavera......

Stress sedunia aku ni. Tapi tengok Azuar penat balik keja and pick me up from office. Memang sememeh muka dia. Terus macam, tak apalah esok pergi. Tapi tak tau lah takut lakonan dia, risau poket dia rabak.Hahahahah. Hari ni kalau tak pergi lagi, memang la bini dia stress lagi. So, yesterday, it ends up , we went to Bazar Ramadhan, and i did housechores while Azuar enjoyed his favourite 'cerita hitam putih'. Laki aku memang klasik. Kalau bab ni, memang la I minta tukar channel aje.

Lagi beberapa hari lagi nak habis Ramadhan. Banyak juga termiss terawih since bulan ni exam juga. So I yang suruh Azuar pergi terawih and cakap, kalau dia pergi, dia dapat pahala, isteri kat rumah yang menuntut ilmu tengah study ni pun dapat pahala juga. Selalu pesan kat dia doa banyak-banyak, minta dimakbulkan segala-galanya.

Harapan

1. Dimurahkan rezeki

2. Dipermudahkan segala urusan Ph.D dan pembelajaran *2years and plus plus to go*

3. Dikurniakan zuriat

4. Dapat tukar kereta baru cepat-cepat.

5. Urusan 11k duit hantaran yang dicuri staff bank tu, cepat-cepat la settle *yang bab ni, kalau ingat memang sedih aje, tapi doa orang yang teraniaya tu insyaaalah termakbul*

6. Kehidupan akan berubah

AMIN.

Quick updates

This is update for the past few days.

1) I'm gaining weight happily ever after


2) Jerawat manis di hidung *ok tipu, ia buruk*


3) Sudah mula memakai kain batik setelah ibu mertua menjahit kain batik kepada menantunya ini.

Masih serabai.

4) Mabuk exam.

5) Mabuk nak masak lauk berbuka, ilmu memasak sangat cetek, maka harus juga sambung PhD dalam masakan.

6) Dah pandai jenguk baby stroller dan sudah ada dalam list idaman kalbu.

Escapism

After so many workloads, planning and the headache, how i wish i could have my very own precious. How I wish, I could have our first miracle. Before this, I said i'm not ready yet, but now, I start thinking of it... How I wish Azuar also could have one. Our love. Our first miracle. XOXO.

Takut takut

I'm sitting alone in Postgrad Room.

Ya Allah, kau kuatkan lah semangat hamba-mu ini

Sesungguhnya aku ini hamba yang mudah patah semangat

Kau permudahkan la segala-galanya.

AMIN

Syukran ya Habibi

Rasa macam lama tinggalkan tempat meluah perasaan..ececececeh...

Last week cakap I macam happy happy sangat kan..kawan-kawan semua tanya, semua teka kononnya dah ada Azuar.Jr ke..tapi tapi meleset...Sebenarnya I dapaaat fund untuk study...U all ingat tak masa I cakap tak tau betul ke tak decision nak sambung study and berhenti mengajar di UMT dulu-dulu tu...(masalah diri) It's really the hardest part I think..sebab ingat tengah ada passion nak study plus otak tengah ligat lagi, dan mengadu kat parents, dan terus parents willing nak sponsor all the fees dengan hati terbuka.

Sem 1, sempat lagi lecturing and move back and forth between KL and Terengganu, masa bujang larat la weh..So parents juga willing beli tiket bus and flight everyweek sebab tengok anak dara dia bersungguh nak belajar dan anak dia pun kedekut nak guna duit gaji sendiri, konon nak menabung untuk kawin. Jadi anak dia pun berjaya la bagi 4flat sebab takut ibubapanya kecewa. Sem2 pun bapa bayar lagi tapi kali ni anak dia mesti la malu sebab dah berlaki tak kan mahu dibelanja lagi. Sem2 juga terus drastik berhenti mengajar juga.

Bila dah berkahwin ni, tak nak bergantung lagi, terus apply ni....

Alhamdulillah dapat.......bapa mesti gembira sebab tak payah melabur duit, sebab dia cakap Well Done!. Ok I dah kena start mengajar balik dan publish at least 2journal..Jadi lepas ni, memang giat la buat paper.

Tiada kaitan langsung: Pagi tadi rakan lama bergelar Doctor menelepon I..jadi sangat la teruja dan bergelak besar.

L: Ko Ma mengandung tak lagi?

I: Belum lagi, susah la, orang bagi duit suruh belajar, kena la belajar dulu.

L: Apa susahnya, ko hentam la tetiap hari, sure jadi..

Bongok ko L!...I rasa tu bukan pandangan doktor tu, tapi kawan lama yang bermulut kurang asam.

Bonnet

Readers, the theme for this week is "Self Motivation for Puan Mahirah". I have open my eyes broadly, to keep reminding for those who support me behind, their sacrifices.

So, yesterday I had an appoinment with my Prof. I late for 30minutes. Blaming hubby for his fault. Hahahaha.. This is the time that i should show my work to my supervisor. As usual, Prof advises me here and there.

Look at my writing.

"Depletion itself is easy to grasp as everybody knows it, the faster we dig the resources, the sooner it is gone. However, the issue is not about finally running out of oil, which will not happen for many years. What does concern us, and most gravely, is the long downward slope that opens on the other side of peak production. Oil and gas dominate our lives, and their decline will surely change the world in radical and unpredictable ways.

Depletion was real and our production did peak. The peak of production comes broadly when half the total has been consumed. Increasing energy usage and high, though hardly unprecedented, prices at the pump have many Malaysians concerned. For decades, many have looked for the elusive alternative energy source that will allow the entire nation to stop depending on oil and other non-renewable resources."

Prof said, "Mahirah, you ni berbunga-bunga la. Make it simple words and straight to the point. We're not writing a novel, we're working on research".

Now, I know, make it simple. I penat tau Prof, buat ayat nak boombastic bagai. So, a task for today, make it short the writing, straight to the point, and make it easy to readers. Ahaaaa.....

Ini pic masa grad Master. I mengada nak pinjam bonnet aka topi terpenyek Prof, konon-konon in future, dapat jadi macam dia. Tapi seriously macam inspiring me, in future pakai robe macam tu tapi tambah lagi satu line kat tangan and my bonnet. Wallah... AMIN.

15 April 2009

We've been together for a month, yes a m0nth readers! Can you see my smiling broadly spread over my face? *wink*. Husband and wife- it's not easy to put it on the right track, as i can say, for me, so far so good.. ;D. We manage to discuss every single thing,in order to make it easier for us and i'm so lucky to get a husband that's so understandable. How lucky I am. He never change, since our 'zaman bercinta' till now. He still keep calling me from office, 7times a day. Sometimes, I rimas juga.. Hey, do you need to report everything sayang? Even, u've meet your bos or even to tell a gossip spread over your office? Ok, kita boleh discuss kat rumah ;D.

And now, i'm so so crazy in love insanely *double over ok?*. When I get married to him, I know him from top to toe. What's he likes or dislikes. Sometimes his shirts, slacks and stocking lay scattered over the floor. I hate that, we're totally different in that way, because i'm too specific person. But I praised him everyday to do a right thing. I believe, by giving plenty of praise and encouragement, people will motivate. He's easy to handle, he can accept my opinion. Everynight, I ask him, Sayang, do you see any difference in me, before married and after get married? Yes, I see, you're so romantic and a good wife. Automatically, i am so romantic and called him Abang. Past entry, memang selalu cakap I ni ego time bercinta, but it changes when you're get married. You've intention to be good from top to toe since he's legally is yours! So make it everything for him ;D.

I'm fasting today for my 1st month of marriage. *clap clap to myself*. Now I realize, when I got married, we tend to spend together just at home. No more Midvalley, KLCC or Pavillion, hubby said wasting time. We just sitting in the room, talking, gossiping, watch CD, spring-cleaning and many more. It's enough for me since he's in front of me safely.

P/s: Pray hard for my final exam, i desire highest marks macam my past exam juga, so that my hubby will proud of me and keep saying, I know my sayang sangat pandai tapi....selalu cakap tak confident. And for my lovey dovey hubby, reduce your time for playing online games, you're matured enough for that games la sayang..Tak macho langsung ;D

i'm in the mood

Hey peeps out there, i'm in the mood of writing *wink*..Yess..i've been busy lately..handling my time, here and there...Moving to a new phase of life is a very stressful experience *yes i'm on the way*..Hmmm i can't imagine my life by 3weeks in future..i share everything with my love ones. Being together night and day can put a great excitement on relationship. *do i look too desperate?*

This month, i've my own exam, my student's exam, my thesis preparation and my wedding preparation..I've had a pretty hectic day *yawn*. I hope i still can be strong *pray hard*


Here, some of my my preparation, peeps u're most invited to my big day ;D





I'll wear this... *thanks to miss tailor*



Peeps, if u come, u'll get these ;D



...and many more...If you come to my big day, you're in for a few surprises *chehhhh*

I pray hard for my marriage to have the best possible chance of happiness. I love MR.FIANCE day in and day out ;D

i wish...

I wish i dont have internet broadband or any internet connection in my house so that obviously i'm more concentrating on my research plans and my lovely thesis *damn -scratches my head-..more time on facebook, friendster, blog thingy, chatting, and reading other's unknown's blog*..please please no more wasting the time and clicking for unimportant/unproductive parts.

i'm not focussing on my tasks *i admit honestly*

where's my energy economics part?

yes...yes..i'm doing right now

but i'm just too slowly with my part *again i'm scratching my head..kruk..kruk*

The pictures describe everything, the unproductive of MISS MAHIRAH ;D
Let's pictures do the talking

p/s: it's just a list and a draft for Chapter 1, but zero outcome from me, myself..at least i've idea from my brain and i've something to answer confidently in front of my PROF *preparation*.

I'm not good in taking picture *pity me*

This is something about that i'm focussing for these 3 years and onwards.

But.......

I just upgrade the idea of my master thesis and convert it, to become more sensational for my Ph.D.. *i'm too lazy right?..i dont care as long as its totally and originally come from my brain*

* yes ..we did it *

Again ouchh ouchh.. YES YES *a big scream* . Finally we get a medium sized double storey terrace house for our new phase of life in next month...What a great moment to share with MR.FIANCEE when everyone start deciding to stay together *hukum hidup berkahwin*. This is my very first step..MRFIANCEE managed to pay deposit, so it's mean he show his effort/commitment into that ways *yes yes darl..i see your commitment, a big thank u*.. The house seems too big for just 2 of us *i takut klau u pergi outstation, or i study mlm sorang2* with 4 rooms and 3 bathrooms.

So, yesterday i decided to fill in some thingy or sort of things for our very new house despite of depending too much on MR.FIANCEE buys all kind of things..hmmmm..here, let's check out for our preparations;

MR.FIANCEE bought these things:

1. Deposit for the house

2. SAMSUNG fridge

3. ZANUSSI stove

4. SAMSUNG washing machine

5. thermos *this is a must to put in our room*

6. spoons and forks

7. CORNINGWARE plates

p/s: sayang, i demand LCD/plasma TV *if ada rezeki lebih la*

A good step from him *clap clap to him*..Ouhhh...currently he put all this things at his aunt's house..*makcik, terima kasih kerana memberi pinjam space ittew*

This is a good part from myself.. i also put my effort into that way ;D..Then i bought;

1. TEFAL cookware

2. carpets

3. containers to put salt, sugar and etc

4. IKEA plates

5. brush

6. senduk, sudip and etc

7. chopping board

8. to be decide in future

p/s: can u see, i am more interested on kitchen stuffs? owhh ini semua MRFIANCEE yg upload pics..

See..see..kami sudah mahu berkahwin *a big grin on my face*

*masak-masak*

Lately saya sangat la beria men'surfing' segala resipi masak-memasak *i dunno why*.. a close friend of mine said ive 'sindrom gatal nak berlaki' *yes*. ini adalah website yg menjadi kegemaran saya akhir2 ini http://www.myresepi.com/ . Saya tidakla maha hebat dlm bidang memasak ini, tapi sikit2 tu boleh la..

So i demand a cookbook from MRFIANCEE. So that i can have information on c00king, and/or a list of recipes. Perhaps some additional information on ingredient origin, freshness, selection and quality. Then he responded like this, "Alahhh syg, zaman sekarang ni, org guna internet je la, tak main buku2 lagi, nanti kita beli ink printer so syg bole print byk2" *frustrated*.

Hmmm... so saya kena la ikut rentak dia ya...Jadi marilah kita mula men'goggle' resepi masak-memasak ;D

*the wedding bell is ringing

OOuccchh...it's been 4 years and plus plus we've been together *clap clap to myself*.. the next 2 months we're getting married *sgt gembira*..Rasa mcm tak percaya plak. Saya pun tak sure first day meet bila, if i'm not mistakken it was in 2004. tp klau tanya MRFIANCEE, he will answer confidently, "kita jumpa...syg pkai baju brand...syg pkai selipar color...syg pkai tudung color..syg dgn.." he even can explain correctly, i'm so impress *kagum*. For sure dia kena tau everything, sbb dia beria nak mengorat saya..hahahaha ;D

Tp masa ni, lg saya beria-ria menghitung hari *sbb dah nak kawin*. This is my wedding wish list:

1. i cook everyday to my hubby to be
2. i prepare everything for him, from top to toe *AMIN*
3. saya kena byk bersabar, sbb sy ni sgt la emo berbanding MRFIANCEE yg sgt la terlebih cool *vice versa*
4. saya nak jd isteri solehah, byk buat amalan2 sunat *saya nak MRFIANCEE jd imam solat saya nanti, AMIN*
5. saya nak rumah saya cantik mcm hotel, tp MRFIANCEE kena sponsor duit *hehehe*
6. furniture nak best2
7. sy nak good result in my study even dah kawin, still bole maintain *saya dah rasa takut hoke*
8. i hope MRFIANCEE wouldnt mind to lend me your hands......................................................................... because we're belong to each other..
9. akan difikirkan
10. akan difikirkan

p/s: saya mmg mcm tak sabar kan?

A new entry in 2009

Waa....finally i have my very own blog..clap clap to myself *a lil bit annoying* this is my new entry..many thanks to MRFIANCEE, a good start from him..actually, i ask him to do this, to create a blog for me since i'm an out-dated of technology to admit, but at least i have this to share with everybody *saya juga ada keinginan yg tinggi*

Nothing much to say about me in 2009, but a good start for everything, a new phase in my life.
1) already register for my Ph.D in UPM *done*
2) lectures class in UMT *mission incomplete, since silibus byk lg yang nak diajar*
3) i'm getting married *mission is on the way ;D*

Since that, i move back and forth between terengganu and KL, to lecture the class in UMT and to attend the class in UPM..people keep telling me, waa.. awak sungguh rajin ya.. no la..it's all about my ambition and passion, all of sudden energetic feeling comes deep down inside *wink*

Sometimes i feel too tired, but the next day, a new me keep telling me, never give up, irony rite? i starts reading journals, ready the silibus and do the same works everyday, dating time and everything. as i can say, it's need sacrifice.

In the same time, i can't hardly wait for my big day *thunderous clap*..guys, it's round of corner *butterflies in my stomach*..it's my day, also my sis day..we share the wedding ceremony, but different solemnization, we have our own..syasya is on 15 march, and me is on 16 march... i've already told my students, sure dorang serbu nanti, makan free. Syasya, we've grown together! yesterday, we shared our night stories, keep the stories safely in our pockets, we laugh together..but we've change in next 2 months *tiada lagi pillow talk but only with our husband to share everything*..but promise me, we're belong to each others..i love you so much sis ;`) i miss those days..keep me safely in your heart.

*kami sedang membesar*